Things I Just Don’t Understand
And there are many
Why one person’s noises are “cute” and “adorable” and mine are considered “grounds for dismissal”?
Why conversing using only body language and facial expressions is deemed “offensive on many levels”?
How resolving to never take no for an answer ever again under any circumstances wasn’t considered the “positive change” that my horoscope was recommending?
Why enthusiastically offering to help my actor friend “break a leg” before a performance including chasing after him with a baseball bat indirectly led to the end of our friendship?
Why saying “I feel you dog” to a dog is funny the first time I say it, but significantly less funny when I just won’t stop saying it for 40 minutes and actually feeling the dog doesn’t help my cause?
Why my wife got disproportionately angry after I literally sat on the kids when they were very slowly getting ready for bed when she specifically asked me to do exactly that?
How covering the floor with banana peels right before my colleagues came into the office was considered “immature, even for you” and that was even before they discovered the tons of peeled bananas I’d playfully hidden among their work stuff?
Why people always run away shrieking when I loudly and overly enthusiastically proclaim that I plan to kill them with kindness?
How I still receive no service when I enter the store wearing only a shirt, my shoes and a huge ear-to-ear smile?
Why literally screaming for ice cream each evening after dinner is both setting a bad example for our children as well as lowering their expectations for their own futures based on some wacky, made-up-sounding theory of my wife’s called “genetics”?
Why my constantly joking about “killing all the birds” with my “huge collection of jagged stones” is of great interest to the local wildlife organization and police?
How counting to ten will make me any less angry when it’s well known how much I can’t stand the number 10 and all of its smug arrogance?
Why no finds it funny when I behave like a gorilla even though I have clearly carefully researched and am totally nailing current gorilla sensibilities and humour?
Why releasing the cornflakes from their cardboard box and plastic bag “prisons” while singing “Freedom” from George Michael, albeit slightly off-key, got me banned from the local grocery store?
Why people think I’m being sarcastic and insincere when I send my apology emails using all caps because I just AM THAT SORRY!
How can my actions still speak louder than my words after I paid all that money for that expensive amplifier?
How do my neighbours know that I’m barking up the wrong tree? What, are they experts on trees all of a sudden? And would it kill them to comment on the actual barking and how much better I’ve gotten at it recently?
How many freaking different baskets do I need to carry my eggs in?
Why the bus driver has to ask me “where do you get off?” with so much anger as I will tell him when it’s my stop?
