Member-only story
Lines I Fantasize About Saying
Without cracking a smile or whimpering like a baby
“Stop referring to me as a cautionary tale! I just need a hair cut and a new shirt or two.”
“Oh? You wanna go, bro? I am so ready to teach you a lesson out of my big fat lesson book that I carry around with me for teachable moments such as these!”
“Sweetie, can you cry somewhere else because daddy honestly doesn’t care and you are bringing down the whole mood in here.”
“I’m just going out for a few minutes to get some milk, run a few errands, play a game of tennis and, oh yeah, exact brutal revenge on my enemies.”
“Maybe — and I just want to put this out there — you aren’t understanding what I’m saying because you are — and don’t be offended by this — a complete and total idiot.”
“I love you because of your skin and the skeletal structure that helps support said skin.”
“Today, I bought all the glue. Tomorrow, it’s about to get real sticky around here.”
“You can’t break up with me if you can’t catch me! On an unrelated note, I’ve covered myself in Vaseline!”
“I’m dropping everything and taking tuba lessons!”
“Well, sweetie, unfortunately that’s the way the cookie crumbles and I should know because I CRUMBLED ALL YOUR FREAKIN’ COOKIES!”
“You can’t fire me, because I quit! I also don’t want your pink slip, because I’ll have you know that I preemptively just went shopping at the stationary store and stocked up on pink slips. And don’t try to show me the door as I am well acquainted with that door! Finally, you can try, if you want, to make me redundant, but I already beat you to it!”